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What happens when marketing and cloud security get together without supervision? Enjoy our review of cloud security marketing material.

Daniel Grzelak
April 3, 2024
2 min read

Please buy our gen-v workload-deep threat-led risk-driven humachine-powered hyperscale cloud security solution

A cloud security engineer and a marketer sat down with a bottle of wine and didn’t leave until it was empty… At least that’s how I imagine the stuff in this blog post came to be. Maybe edibles were involved as well.

A while back we did some soul searching at Plerion. We reflected on the way we were representing ourselves and talking about our product, and we didn’t like what we saw. We weren’t consistent, used lots of buzz words, and sometimes said stuff we couldn’t even explain.

I have no idea what this means but it’s what we said.

Fast forward, our mission is now to simplify cloud security. No more buzz words. No more three letter acronyms. No more bullshit.

The whole experience did make us wonder, are we the only ones who fell into this trap? What kind of content is our industry willing to pump out in the name of clicks? We downloaded every cloud security lead magnet we could find, and let me tell you, the results were spectacular!

Pull up a chair, grab beer, and let’s poke some fun at our industry.

Disclaimer: All of the screenshots are real but no vendors were harmed in the collection of this data.

Let’s ease into it since we’re all still sober.

Thank you for the compliment.

Who is building cloud security for not-the-cloud? I asked ChatGPT and it’s response started with, “This might initially seem paradoxical…” Yes, yes it might.

Bold claim Watson. I have a suspicion that anyone who’s worked in incident response might suggest that incidents take a little longer than 5 minutes to investigate, no matter the tooling. It’s just a hunch.

If you have any logs, they are going to detect them. It’s unclear what comes next after the logs are detected.

This is a really unique and creative idea for research. Cover your whole cloud estate in malware and see what happens. There’s a viral twitter thread in it for sure.

These folks are not only solving cloud security, they are redefining physics. Their solution is both visible and transparent.

While we’re on the topic of physics. Schrödinger’s Cloud – both connected and not connected to the internet at the same time. Or maybe it’s just the gap between two actual clouds?

Ahh yes, shame on anyone who focuses below the line. We at Plerion only recognize vertical lines, not horiziontal lines. Our focus is West of the line.

Punctuation, please!

Agreed. It is really a personal preference though. I know words. I have the best words.

The big mistake here is not specifying the warp factor. Warp speeds are given in warp factors and follow a geometric progression. “Warp 1″ is equivalent to the speed of light, “warp 2” is eight times the speed of light, “warp 3” is 27 times the speed of light. If they know what warp factor attacks move at, they can just build a solution that moves +1 warp factor. Now that I think about it, not revealing the warp factor was probably intentional. Like KFC, can’t be giving away the secret ingredient!

What’s the weather like in the cloud when it’s not foggy? What does a cloud landscape look like? What kind of vehicle can I use to travel across a cloud landscape, hopefully at faster than warp speed?

Tell me you’re doing a funding round without telling me you’re doing a funding round. I read this and reflexively started writing a cheque.

Unfortunately we only created a non business critical edition of Plerion. This is clearly an industry-wide mistake and a gap in the market. I’m writing another cheque.

This will be my defense when I get arrested. “Your honor, I was not breaking the law. I was merely following a rules-optional approach”.

No one wants HR to get involved.

To be, or not to be, that is the question.
Whether ’tis nobler in the mind to suffer
The slings and arrows of outrageous fortune,
Or to take arms against a sea of troubles.

ChatGPT explains:

Wondering why the sword has nostrils? It’s to smell the risk.

What if I like my hybrid seam-full? Honestly, this was a missed opportunity to work in a SIEM pun. -15 internet points.

If it’s not hyperscale, does it even exist?

To stay ahead of the competition we’ve started working on Gen VI threats only. To gen-finity and beyond!!!

Clever! You can’t ever fall behind on generations if you are always next. Wait, what if someone is after next? Or after after next?

Never ever wait for your scalability.

Clearly some illegal substances were involved in this one.

Most people gather their data from a moderate depth inside workloads. You know, the kind of depth where humans can still swim without scuba gear, but not so deep that the pressure crushes them like those cool car crushing machines at junk yards. You know what I mean?!

How deep? Work. Load. Deep.

The data environment is probably less turbulent the deeper you go. It’s all coming together now.

The end is nigh. The robots are coming.

I’ll let you be the judge.

Perhaps drinking and writing marketing content is not an optimal combination?

The post was intended to be tongue in cheek and not to minimise anyone’s work. Writing is hard. Marketing is even harder. We all make mistakes and we can all do better. Hopefully this silly excursion brings engineers and marketers closer together so we produce more accurate and more engaging cloud security content.

We’ve got a long way to go but we are simplifying our marketing by:

Replacing jargon with simple language.
Removing buzzwords.
Being concise. Concise is nice.
Not exaggerating.

See some BS in our stuff? Let me know at [email protected].

Need to speak to Plerion?

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